Hint, hint

SimpleMom had a great post today about frugal Valentine's day gift ideas.  Just thought I'd throw that out there in case any one needs some suggestions.  I like #1, 3 and 5 myself, but that's just me, thinking out loud...nothing specific or anything.

All Clear

I think we are safely out of the stomach bug war zone.  We sheltered in place all day Saturday and Sunday, hoping that we would contain any fallout if the rest of us were going to get sick.  So far, so good.  And praise God for that because we were getting a smidge stir crazy.

I failed to mention in my previous post how thankful I am for the heroic captain God has posted at the head of our family.  J was so awesome that night.  He came home immediately when I texted him with the crisis.  As soon as he got home, he checked on our little sickie then came to scrub the carpet with me.  He was up bringing fresh supplies every time I got up with A for the rest of the night, always compassionate and gentle.  He did all the grunt work the next day to get that bunk bed really clean, not to mention the disgusting nightmare it took to get the tub clean.  He really was our hero!

I failed to blog in a timely manner that we just celebrated our 13th anniversary at the end of December.  I'm so, so, so grateful to serve in the trenches of parenthood by your side, J.  You make it all bearable, even joyful.  I cannot fathom doing life with anyone else.  God knit us together in His perfect plan and I pray He continues to conform us more to His image every year we are together.  Love you more than much.

Final Thoughts

Another genius nugget from Love & War by John & Stasi Eldrege:

"We are broken people, with a famished craving in our hearts. We are fallen, all of us. It happened so long ago, back in the Garden of Eden, so early in our story that most of us don't even realize it happened. But the effects of the Fall are something we live with every day, and it would be best for both of you if you understood what it has done to the soul of a man and a woman.

Every woman now has an insatiable need for relationship, one that can never be filled. It is an ache in her soul designed to drive her to God. Men instinctively know that the bottomless well is there, and pull back. I don't want to be engulfed by that. Besides, no matter how much I offer, it'll never be enough. This is Eve's sorrow. This is the break in her cup. She aches for intimacy, to be known, loved, and chosen. And it also explains her deepest fear--abandonment.

Men face a different sort of emptiness. We are forever frustrated in our ability to conquer life. That's the 'sweat of your brow...thorns and thistles' thing. A man aches for affirmation, for validation, to know that he has come through. This also explains his deepest fear--failure."

I really enjoy reading books by the Eldreges. I've never thought of myself as a stereotypical woman (who does?), but their insights always seem to hit home and shed light on parts of my soul that I didn't understand. And they do it in a very friendly, loving way, weaving their own marriage story into the chapters to illustrate the heart of the matter.

If you have time to read the book, I certainly recommend it and not just because they sent me a free copy. Actually, I'm supposed to disclose that this book was provided for review by WaterBrook Multnomah. And click over here if you would like more info on the book. It would make a great gift for nearly/newly marrieds or for a 50th wedding anniversary. Every stage of marriage could benefit from the hope and enthusiasm imparted in these words.

"You see, somewhere along the way we all lose heart in marriage. We all do. It happens to the best of us. We might find a way to manage our disappointment and we might do our best to fight off resignation, but it works its way in. We let go of what we wanted, what we dreamed of, what were created for. We begin to settle.

Because marriage is hard, sometimes painfully hard, your first Great Battle is not to lose heart. That begins with recovering desire--the desire for the love that is written on your heart. Let desire return. Let it remind you of all that you wanted, all that you were created for.

And then consider this--what if God could bring you your heart's desire? It's not too late. It isn't too hard. You are not too far along nor are you and your spouse too set in your ways. God is the God of all hope. He is, after all, the God of the Resurrection. Nothing is impossible for him. So give your heart's desire some room to breathe.

What if the two of you could find your way to something beautiful?

That would be worth fighting for."

Learning to Love

"And what does learning to love look like? Well, for one thing, it looks like compassion for your spouse's brokenness while choosing to turn from your own self-protective style of relating.

We must come to face our style, of course. As men, we look to where we are passive, and where we are domineering, harsh, or violent. As women, we face where we are controlling, and where we are desperately clingy. And as God reveals these things, we make those thousand little choices to turn from our style of relating. We make deliberate choices to love. If you have been avoiding conflict, either as a passive man or a controlling woman, then you say: 'Conflict is okay. Let's talk about these things. I'll go there with you.' If you have been avoiding intimacy, then you say: 'I need you. I don't want to be this island, this impenetrable fortress. I choose to engage.' If you have been controlling, then let go of control. If you've been hiding, then come out of hiding. If you have been filled with anger, then set aside your anger and choose to be vulnerable."

From Love & War by John & Stasi Eldrege

Our Way

"We all have a way that we do life. We might call it our personality, or our natural bent--the way we handle pressure, the way we listen, the way we look for happiness, the way we control our world. We didn't sit down one day and willfully choose to adopt it but it remains a choice nonetheless. Call it our style of relating. It is a carefully crafted approach to life--especially in relationships--that colors the way we work, the way we love, the way we respond, and the way we simply have a conversation with people. This can be quite an epiphany--you have a style of relating designed to make life work for you!

Our style of relating is born out of brokenness and sin, and it is the Number One Thing that gets in the way of real love and real companionship, the shared adventure and all the beauty of marriage. It is really this simple. The number one thing that gets in the way is your way. I don't mean insisting on getting your way--dimming the lights or finding a better parking spot. I mean your way of going about life, your style of relating.

We are, all of us, utterly committed and deeply devoted to our 'style,' our 'way,' our 'approach to life.' We have absolutely no intention of giving it up. Not even for love. So God creates an environment where we have to. It's called marriage."

From Love & War by John & Stasi Eldrege

An Enormous Honor

"You have been entrusted with the heart of another human being. Whatever else your life's great mission will entail, loving and defending this heart next to you is part of your great quest. Marriage is the privilege and honor of living as close to the heart as two people can get. No one else in all the world has the opportunity to know each other more intimately than do a husband and wife. We are invited into their secret lives, their truest selves; we come to know their nuances, their particular tastes, what they think is funny, what drives them crazy. We are entrusted with their hopes and dreams, their wounds, and their fears....

Without you, your spouse will not become the man or the woman that God intends him or her to be and the Kingdom of God will not advance as it is meant to advance. Your spouse plays the most vital role in your life. You play the most critical role in your spouse's life. No one will have a greater impact on your spouse's soul than you. No one has greater access to your spouse's heart than you. This is an enormous honor.

Pause a moment; take a deep breath. Let that reality sink in a little deeper--you are the human being who plays the most significant role in your spouse's life. It is not your spouse's mother or father. It is not your spouse's favorite teacher, author or pastor. It is you. It is a sobering truth, isn't it. You are on holy ground. You matter more than you thought."

From Love & War by John & Stasi Eldrege

Love & War

J and I are pretty good about consulting each other before committing to any thing, but he snuck one in on me last month. He's on a newsletter list for a publisher and receives invitations every now and then to write reviews for books on his blog. We're fans of John Eldrege, so when his new book came up among the invitations, J signed both of us up for it. It arrived about 3 weeks ago, and the instructions asked us to read the book and post our review during the week before Valentine's. Sure, I can read a 200+ page book in my copious amounts of free time during the next 3 weeks.

If I wasn't already an enthusiastic fan, I would have "forgotten." But we finally read Wild at Heart last fall and both found it to be an insightful look into men's hearts. Then my sister encouraged me to get a copy of the companion book, Captivating, co-authored by Eldrege and his wife, Stasi. I'm only a few chapters into that one, but it seems to be a welcome, refreshing look at God's heart for women. So I was pretty excited to see that the Eldreges have put together a book on marriage, Love & War. Their writing style is so natural, conversational, easy to read. I really do wish I had a few days uninterrupted to pore over the book, mark it up with my notes and process the light-bulb moments.

I'm about half-way through the book now, and have this week to finish it. I've already found such great nuggets of wisdom and theology, though, that I wanted to start sharing them. So I'm going to post a quote from the book every day this week as a teaser. Starting with this one:

"Your mariage is part of a larger story, too, a story as romantic as any that has ever stirred your heart, and at least as dangerous. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you can understand what is happening in your marriage.

We cheer on the hero and the heroine because we can see what is at stake--the kingdom hangs upon their success. Yet we haven't anything close to this sort of clarity in our own marriages; we would be hard-pressed to name one thing that hangs in the balance, apart from our sanity and Grandmother's silver....

God is a great lover, and he created marriage to play out on this earth a daily, living, breathing portrait of the intimacy he longs for with his people. Gulp. This is why it has such a central role. It is a kind of incarnation, a passion play about the love and union between Jesus and his beloved.

Which might help you appreciate why the fury of hell has been unleashed against it. God is telling a love story and the setting is war."

Gives me goosebumps every time I think that God would choose me to be part of something larger. Stay tuned for more great pearls from Love & War.

Delayed obedience is disobedience

I don't know how many times a day I have to tell A, "Obey right away, all the way, with a happy heart." (Quote from Ginger Plowman's Don't Make Me Count to Three) Boy, I am the biggest hypocrite. See there's been this little heart issue that God made me aware of, oh, I don't know, maybe a few weeks ago, give or take a YEAR! Seriously, I have been delaying my own obedience for over a year now. Why does God put up with kind of disrespect?!

Scary thing is that I don't know for sure, but He might not have been tolerating it. Years ago, I did something very similar. That time it was very intentional, though. I didn't want to deal with the hurt in my heart and I wasn't going to. Remind you of anyone we know? (Hint: she wouldn't eat her pears.) We had been back in the states for about six months and J was doing everything he could to get hired on at the company he was consulting for. But the door was closed and beyond the door was a brick wall. Every time it seemed to crack open, it got slammed closed again. We were very frustrated. One Sunday, I told J to go on to church without me, that God and I had business to tend to at home. I was weary of carrying the bitterness and God loved me too much to let me. We had a good talk and forgiveness was so sweet. J got his job offer the next day.

Sure, maybe it was a coincidence. But I beg to differ. I believe my disobedience had affected my family's growth. We weren't going anywhere until I obeyed. I had completely forgotten about this until God brought it to my mind recently. I shuddered. I knew I was living in disobedience to a faithful God and what if my disobedience was stunting my family's growth again? I don't know. But I know I obeyed. That little thing that I thought wasn't bothering anybody else has been dealt with, done, forgiven, over, close the book on that one. Please, Lord Jesus, don't let it have been hurting anyone else.

Twelve Years

J and I had the immense blessing of being able to get away by ourselves for 24 hours to celebrate our twelfth wedding anniversary this past weekend.  While away, we reminisced about what we were doing to prepare for the wedding.  I'm sure I was vascilliating between giggling and crying with my closest friends as they helped me get dressed and direct the show from a back room.  He confided that two of his groomsmen were trying to convince him to drive to Mexico before it was too late, one was asking if he could ask me out if J did drive to Mexico, and one ever-present voice of reason in that motley group was telling them to leave him alone.  He assured me that he was never tempted to run, and I'm so glad he chose to stay. 

God is so wise, so compassionate, so merciful, tender and loving.  He demonstrated His character to me when He chose my husband and brought us together.  J brings out the best in me, makes me rise up to meet my potential.  He also knows me so well that he can provide rest for me before I even know I need it.  He challenges me to grow more like Christ and won't let me cling to the weaknesses of my flesh, no matter how proud I am of them.  He loves to give me good gifts and will give up his own desires to accommodate mine.  It thrills me to know that our marriage is not done growing.  We've grown into each other so well and God has been so good to us.  I love getting to know you, J, and I look forward to what God has in store for the years to come.